Monthly Archives: November 2013

Uncertainty

Sometimes I feel uncertain about the direction I’m headed. Sometimes I think there is no direction, and I’m wandering aimlessly from one vantage point to the next. The creative process is one that doesn’t always allow you to fit in to the collective norm.

I believe there’s a well inside all of us: a spring of intuition that holds the key to who we are and our life’s purpose. I’m hoping that this uncomfortable, reflective process will help me unlock the mysteries buried within myself. My creative mind, suppressed for nearly six years, is awakening. I need to follow where it will lead.

And yet, to be true to myself is frightening. There are times when painful emotions reveal itself as a darkness I do not wish to explore. The emotional highs and lows are so intense that I often feel lost in an ocean of words.

Words that I long to express but suppress for fear of anger, conflict, or judgment, which then leaves me nervous and uncertain.

Words that encapsulate an intense emotion that leaves me high and excited with the prospect of reaching someone’s eyes and forming a brief, but thought-provoking connection.

Or the possibility and likeliness of a critic’s choice words that can leave me damaged and wounded in a corner – with me, telling myself to get up, re-write, and persevere.

Life is so uncertain. A life with MS is even more so. Trying to live an artist’s life, be financially responsible, save for an unpredictable future, deal with health issues, and balance life’s demands is maddeningly overwhelming.

Be practical. Have a career. Save for the future. By a home. Bring home a steady paycheck.

I fit into that mold. I have accomplished and continue to accomplish these goals, and yet, I feel empty. There is a feeling of fractiousness that I cannot ignore. I feel like a fraud. A liar. Like a woman living in someone else’s shoes.

I find myself in the throes of knowing so desperately what I want in this life and being scared to step off the ledge and take a risk.

I think it’s time to close my eyes and jump. Who knows where I will land.

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