Do you ever wonder about your life? About your place in this world? What the purpose of it all is? 

I’m reeling from a double health whammy. At the appointment with my neurologist two weeks ago, he detected something new with the vision in my left eye and now I need to schedule an appointment with the neuro-ophthalmologist. He wants to check the thickness of my optic nerve in both eyes to see if there are any changes. My left eye is my good eye. That he saw a change in my good eye frightens me. 

To make matters worse, I had some testing done on my uterus due to irregular bleeding. After a few uncomfortable, invasive procedures, I now need to undergo another one because atypical cells were found. I need to undergo a procedure called a D&C so they can scrape out the lining of my uterus to get a better sense as to what’s going on. Of course my greatest fear is cancer, which is a possibility. This test could show nothing, or it could show the big C. 

Again I’m faced with difficult health scares. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Am I destined to be involved in one health crisis after another? Isn’t having multiple sclerosis enough? 

I am so paranoid/terrified. I have a consultation next week with the OBGYN who will review the procedure and what she will be looking for. My stomach is in knots just thinking about it. Yesterday when I received the call, I felt so sick I nearly puked and couldn’t eat for the rest of the day. Today I’m struggling to eat, scared of everything except fruit, vegetables and meat. Gluten and dairy with the digestive issues, now soy since it appears I make too much estrogen and not enough progesterone, and then there’s sugar. Cause if you’re to believe some scientists, cancer feeds on sugar and what if I have cancer?? 

Rationally I know this is my anxiety, but I can’t help it. How does one mitigate fear? Especially when warranted? I want to curl into a ball and cry while simultaneously screaming at the unfairness of the world. 

Did I do something in this or a previous life to warrant such suffering? Between significant family and health issues, I’m worn out. Stretched too thin. Taunt yet trying not to snap. 

I’ve taken my anti-anxiety medication which helps, but it cannot fully quench fear. 

I am scared. Really scared and I wish I could make the fear go away. I wish I could better manage it.