It’s after midnight and my thoughts continue to spin out of control. It’s been a long time since I’ve updated this blog. Too long, in fact.

This past month left me mired in fear. In early January I fell ill with a nasty virus. After two weeks of congestion, headaches, sore throat, and a wide breath of other shitty effects, I went on antibiotics and prayed they’d work. It took another week, but I started to recover. Was it the antibiotics or the natural course of the illness? A viral or bacterial infection? I’ll never know. Regardless, my dear old MS decided it felt left out during this lovely endeavor.

Not to be outdone, she decided to shower me with episodic spells of dizziness, fleeting (but intense) moments of weakness in my right arm and both legs, and weird, pulse-like electrical sensations in my limbs (try explaining that to your friends and neighbors).

When these episodes did not stop after I fully recovered, my mind went into overdrive. Did the illness push me into a relapse? Is the Tysabri suddenly not working? Is this break-through disease activity?

Worry turned to anxiety which led me further down the rabbit hole. Anxiety is that annoying 20-year acquaintance I just can’t avoid. If ever a cure is discovered for the big “A”, I’ll be the first to sign up. I’ve spent too many nights sick with fear.

So, my fear ramps up, I call the neurologist, request a script for my MRIs, and schedule my appointments when the scripts arrive two days later.

Fast-forward to today. After weeks of agonizing and worrying, my MRI’s are (so far) clean! My brain and cervical scan show no new lesions and no change from last year’s MRI. I’m still waiting to receive the thoracic report, but am hopeful it will be the same.

Needless to say, I am much relieved. This relief is temporary of course, but I’ll take it. Frankly, I’ll take whatever I can for as long as I can.

It’s hard to make sense of the subtle (and not so subtle) changes to my body. So many weird sensations on a daily basis leave me resigned to the fact that yes, there is definitely something wrong with my central nervous system. Rational acceptance is not the same as emotional acceptance. I’ve spent the last six years, trying to be rational about MS, and it’s not working.

So, fuck it. I’m throwing in the towel to navigate the terrifying, muddy waters of emotion. I have yet to acknowledge my pain, fear, anger, and disappointment; let alone know how to manage it. I won’t become all kumbaya with my MS (because let’s be honest here, it sucks), but I do need to learn how to accept it, for better or worse.

I guess it’s time to steer my ship directly into the storm even with nothing more than hope and a broken compass.