Lately I keep thinking about the issue of trust. As someone who is not one to trust easily, this is a journey in which I am in the early stages. Often I am crippled with the people-pleasing disease at the expense of my own needs.
Lately I’ve taken to wondering why I have this incessant need to please others. To be liked. To always be nice. I worry so damn much about what others think of my personality that I often hold back a part of myself for fear of judgement.
It really is exhausting. If I cannot learn to say no and be 100% authentic in my writing than how on earth am I going to ever be successful in this endeavor? It is a question I often ask myself. I have been caught in this loop for so long that I often feel like an impostor even with me making inroads to change this pattern of behavior.
I harbor that fear of pissing people off or hurting someone’s feelings. I worry that you (whoever you are) will judge me. Will take my vulnerability and shove it in my face for sport…
But the truth is, that no matter how much I try, I will never please everyone. Saying no is not a weakness. I cannot control what people will say or think. I may unintentionally hurt people’s feelings. I may piss people off. Some people will dislike me. Some will try to use my vulnerability to knock me down for their own reasons. But others will not.
Others will be kind. Others will be supportive. Out there somewhere are others who will like what they read. They will feel connected and not alone. And that is what I must focus on while trusting in the words that I write. I must trust myself. Trust the process. Trust that somehow it will all work out and that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.