Waiting Game

So here it is, day 4? Day 5? Of me waiting to get answers. The waiting is sheer agony. My consultation is scheduled for Thursday, July 5th. Who knows when I’ll even get the actual d&c test scheduled. All the while I have thoroughly convinced myself that not only do I have cancer, but that it’s advanced and has already spread outside of my uterus. 

Morbid, right?

I’m trying, really trying to not let my fear take control. I know this worst-case scenario thinking is due to anxiety. I wish I had the natural inclination to stay positive and believe that everything will be alright. God how I wish. I struggle with doom and gloom thinking, then convince myself that this way of thinking only makes my situation worse, which ultimately makes me feel like shit.  

Round and round on the crazy merry-go-round. Want to take a spin in my world? 

Ha as if it were so easy to change my frame of mind. I’m already on medication for it. Cut out caffeine. What’s next? Reduce all sugar? Thankfully DH is as supportive as ever, even with my recent hysterics. 

I feel like a teapot whose lid is about to blow. Although instead of water and hot air, I’m filled with fear, anxiety, uncertainty, stress, and another possible life-alternating diagnosis (as if one wasn’t enough). My therapist/life coach is on vacation this week and I’m calling my psychiatrist on Monday to try to schedule an emergency appointment. Thankfully my doc is one of the good ones who actually sits and talks with you for 45 minutes rather than write a script after a 5-minute visit. He’s expensive and doesn’t take insurance, but he’s fucking worth it. 

Another example of our fucked up health care system. I’m one of the fortunate ones who can afford to see a doctor who doesn’t take insurance. Anyone who tells me that our current, for-profit health care system is a good thing is an ass-hole. 

But I digress.

Waiting. And waiting. And waiting. For fuck’s sake it’s the worst. My mind runs rampant and there isn’t a God damn thing anyone can say or do to make me feel any better. The situation cannot be rushed, and I will not receive any answers for at least two weeks. The fear is real. The fear is justified. And I won’t know what my next steps are until I have some answers!!@!

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